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“For me, pleasure never came from sex”

Queer Rights

July 2022

By Meghna Mehra

Since the beginning of my dating life, I struggled to understand how people find sex pleasurable. I had no idea that asexuality is a thing until I studied more about it during my second year of college while simultaneously reading about the queer community online. I wish I knew sooner about asexuality as it would have saved me from a lot of harassment and heartbreak. A lot of partners would often ask me why I do not want to get sexually involved. I had no answer to it. Being a sex repulsed asexual (not all asexuals are repulsed by sex), pleasure looked different for me than my partners, who were mainly heterosexual men.

There is a power dynamic in heterosexual relationships which I realised while being the asexual party in these setups. Women are often told to have sex for the pleasure of their partners, regardless of how they themselves feel about it. I felt that it was an undeniable fact that I will eventually have to have sex just for the sake of my partner. But because I refused to bow down to this power dynamic that is established in heterosexual relationships, I faced many years of abuse. If I knew at that time that I were asexual, I wouldn’t have dated these people in the first place.

The abuse could easily have been avoided if the abusive person would have understood asexuality and its vast spectrum. While writing my research paper on the impacts of patriarchy on asexual individuals, I discovered that this was a shared experience among those asexuals who are sex repulsed as well as those who simply choose not to have sex. For instance, I learnt from various case studies of asexual women that they are often forced to have sex with their partners. Women are told that it is necessary for them to procreate. But this is toxic and causes real harm to them. On the other hand, for asexual men, the pressure to have sex is associated with notions of masculinity. Men also faced virgin shaming and felt emasculated by other men for not having sex. This included both homoromantic and heteroromantic men being shamed for not having sexual attraction or simply avoiding sex.

I suffered enough to understand that sex for many people is not only about pleasure, but also about overpowering someone. Especially in the case of men, who sometimes tried to force me to have sex so that I could ‘become’ heterosexual. For them, sex is a treatment and asexuality is a disease, a phase, or a lie. It is everything except a valid sexual orientation in their eyes. Dating apps have added ‘asexual’ as an option but people still refuse to accept it. We need proper awareness about not only asexuality but the whole LGBTQIA+ community and the nuances of queer identities.

I still struggle in my love life due to the stigma and lack of awareness around asexuality. There are instances where my former partners who knew about my orientation agreed to date me and later started invalidating me by trying to initiate sex, emotionally blackmailing me, or pestering me to have sex. One person went too far when he asked to have sex while I was severely injured. It made me realise how much women have to endure, asexual or otherwise. These experiences were detrimental to my well-being but I overcame them by working on my mental health.

I once dated an asexual man and felt a wonderful kind of peace. It was so soothing and was the kind of relationship I had always craved. There was no underlying pressure to have sex, no manipulation, just pure care and affection. We parted ways due to cultural differences and because he wanted to get married sooner than I did. But I wish him the best and I still hope to find a relationship like that in the future with someone who understands me.

Pleasure has different meanings for different people. For me, pleasure comes from food and other things rather than sex. For example, a cuddle gives me more joy than the act of penetration. I grew up discussing sexual pleasure with my heterosexual friends. It was during my teenage years when I felt that I was a late bloomer, somebody who might find sex fascinating after a certain age. But I was wrong. When I entered college, I still didn’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. I found people beautiful and cute, and I enjoyed the company of men while going out on dates, but whenever the sex bit cropped up in a relationship, I was hesitant. It was my second year in graduation when I realised that I am a sex repulsed asexual – and this realisation changed my life for good.

I was able to connect the dots with my feelings and understand why I refused to have sex – I simply did not desire it. I also realised that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate ideas, but which are often used as interchangeable terms, hence leading to the confusion I felt when I was younger. I understood this during an ace meet and by my personal experiences where I would crave romantic love but not sex. For me, pleasure comes from spending time with my loved ones, from trying different cuisines, from reading books, from listening to music, and much more. But never from sex. It was something I loathed.

People exist all along the asexual spectrum – asexual, graysexual, demisexual, and more. And asexual people experience different kinds of romantic attraction, including homoromantic, panromantic, and aromantic. This entire spectrum needs to be understood by allosexuals for awareness because there exist many myths related to asexuality. For example, asexuality is often used interchangeably with celibacy, even though celibacy is a choice and asexuality is a sexual orientation.

I derive pleasure from living life on my own terms. This is more pleasurable than any act of sex for me. The fact that I can read a book, enjoy being alone, drink coffee, or try different foods is pleasurable to me. I hope one day people understand that there are different orientations and a wide spectrum and there are different ways to experience pleasure. Some asexuals who have sex may find it pleasurable and I am happy for them. People all along the spectrum are valid, as identities and beyond. I wish more asexual people get to know about asexuality sooner than I did because I spent eight years in absolute confusion, abusive relationships, and a mess of a love life. I came out as asexual publicly in the hope that fellow asexuals would know that they are just as valid as everyone else.

This article was written as part of TYPF’s digital campaign for Pride Month in 2022. The #PrideInPleasure campaign highlights experiences of pleasure that do not find representation in mainstream media, and amplifies queer voices from the margins.

 

 

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